Open Letter to John Green

"And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, it won’t get better. Because it will."

~John Green 

John Green is a very quotable author. He knows how to pull at our heartstrings. Whether you’re 15 or 55, You have shared his quote on your socials knowing that it sums up your complicated life. And this quote above, well it may not be my favourite quote but it is one of those quotes which you want to always remember. You might have read my other articles where I have quoted John Green. He is like my bookish best friend (not in a creepy way).

Hello from the other side!

I was very scared while writing this. Truth be told, I still am. Scared of what will happen if he reads this, or how heartbroken I will be if he never does. Regardless, I am writing this today for John Green on his 43rd birthday, in the hopes that he might read it one day.

So here we go...

Dear Mr Green,

I was 16 when I read your first book, Looking for Alaska. Right about Miles age. I could relate to Miles so much. I had moved to a new city, with new people around me. I did meet life long friends like The Colonel and Takumi. I had lost a very close family member and the loss was too painful to endure. So I shut myself, focused on new people and new stories. I was angry at myself and my family and at god. Even though my uncle died because of medical reasons, I thought that there was something I, my family or even his favourite god could have done. All this anger made me distance from my family.

One day, I read about this book called Looking for Alaska on the internet. You had launched your Dulex Edition with deleted scenes on the 10th anniversary of the book. It sounded interesting. I wanted to read the book because of the pretty cover. I never liked reading earlier, that was because I had to read and remember every single detail to answer in exams and I hated it. This book was new, no one around me was talking about it so I thought I can read it in peace.

I read this book on the internet the first time, it felt like it had absorbed me in and I had the book hangover for so long. It helped me get over death and realise the importance of friendship. It made me feel good about myself. And I made a note to myself that as soon as I get out of this hellhole I will get a copy of the book to keep with me forever. But as absent-minded I am, I forgot about it. After I got admission to a college in Mumbai, I was all by myself with all my freedom. Trust me when I say that I have exploited my freedom a lot.

They say "Good things only last as long as you feel you deserve it.", so all the fun came to an end. I had reached rock bottom at the age of 19. It was then I realised that 'When you hit rock bottom, only then you know that it doesn't end there, hitting rock bottom is the beginning, it's a slippery slope towards hell after that.' I had no goals, no aim in life and I was clueless. The only thing I was doing was buying old books and reading them, and vising places that have books. I was never lonely when I was with my books. This particular day, I got my hands on one of your books, The Fault in our Stars, that reminded me of Looking for Alaska, so as any other sane person would, I got both the books.

I started reading TFIOS and as I finished it, I hated the book. I didn't feel good about anything. I told everyone how much I hated the book and pretty much how it was the worst book I had ever read but when they asked why I didn't have an answer. I didn't know why I hated it so much, I even cried about it but I couldn't get over the book. It was how the book was making me feel. Then I remembered that Looking for Alaska had made me feel better the last time I read it. I started reading it again, I finished it in one go. Around 3 am on a cold winter night, I called a friend crying, cribbing and wining about the book. I hated Alaska and how she made Miles feel. I could not understand then, what you meant when you said, "That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.", I had stopped myself from feeling. I never thought a book could hurt me this much. Despite that, it became my favourite book and in no time I was gifting it to my close friends. Now that has become a tradition of mine.

In this lockdown, I picked up Looking for Alaska again before I would watch the web series. I read it the third time, the fifth time, the eighth time, the tenth time. I could not stop reading. It was like the book has consumed me. I had the book hangover again. I understood what the problem was the first two times, I read the book as a friend of Miles and that's why I hated how Alaska treated him but this time was different. Every time I read it, I took some other characters perspective in mind, it helped me in understanding all the character. I understood Alaska and loved her. I am not angry anymore, not on myself, not on my family, not on god and not on Alaska. I understand now why I cried pausing the web series after 'Before', after watching Miles crying on the floor, why I cry every time I even think about the books or the characters. Now I know what Gus intended when he said, "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... but you do have some say in who hurts you.", as I have chosen Alaska, as Gus and Hazale chose each other. I chose your books to hurt me and make me feel awful and I haven't regretted even a second of it.

You remember when Miles said, "We need never be hopeless because we can never be irreparably broken, we think we are invincible because we are."? I believe that. I believe that I am invincible and vulnerable. I did ask myself everyday 'How do you get out of this labyrinth of Suffering?' as Alaska did. She answered with 'Stright and Fast', but I believe in what Miles to go Halter said, The way out of this labyrinth of Suffering is to forgive. So I have forgiven myself, Alaska and everyone else. Your books and you have made me a better person. Looking for Alaska is one of my favourite books. I believe the books we read and that touch our hearts, we keep a piece of ourselves in them like our Horcrux. I do not think my Hocruxs are limited to 7 but how much ever they are, all your books are one of them.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you so much to you and your family for being so awesome. Thank you for your efforts in decreasing world suck, it motivated me to do as much as I can to decrease world suck. Thank you so much for making me realise that being nerdy is cool. Thank you so much for never letting me forget to be awesome. Thank you so much for this quote, "When you acknowledge that there is nothing repulsive or unforgivable or shameful about yourself, it becomes easier to be that authentic person and feel like you’re living a less performed life.", it helped me be the person I am and made me realise that focusing on yourself doesn't mean you are selfish. Thank you so much for making books important and saying, "Sometimes you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book.", this is what I feel about books. Thank you for taking the initiatives and working towards a better future. Thank you so much for being you. 

Last but not the least, A Very Happy Birthday John Green!!!

Hope all is well with Sarah, Henry, and Alice. Say Hi to Hanks for me.

From one Neardfighter to another.

DFTBA

Love, Athena

Image Source: Pinterest